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Step families face unique challenges but they can be met
By Melody Alderman, Psy.D.
Step families break up at an alarming rate of 60 percent, often within the first three years. Many couples still love each other, but are torn apart by the kids. Children who felt ambivalent at first now feel a deep sense of loss -- again.
This suffering can be avoided by an increase in awareness and useful information.
Do you know who you are as a step family? Do you know who you are not?
Do you have a yardstick to measure how you're doing?
Recognizing your StepFamily differences strengthens the notion that you are not like nuclear families and should not measure yourself against them. What are the differences? It's a much more complex relationship.
You are:
Often coping with two households with conflicting behaviors
Melding different family histories and rituals
Dealing with a mixture of old and new loyalties
Coming from loss and profound change
Less supported by society
Relating with no recognized role models
Carrying unresolved baggage from former family lives
Forming new and unique connections.
What does a healthy step family actually look like? There is a wellness model for harried step families to aspire to.
They have mourned their losses.
Their expectations are realistic.
They have a strong marriage bond.
They have established new rituals.
Satisfying step-relationships have formed.
Separate households cooperate.
There is good news.
Step families can, and do, make a significant difference in their member lives if they stay involved and make a sustained effort to know, understand and relate to each other, meet each others' needs for belonging and feeling valued. You can build some really fond new memories along the way.
Alderman is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in Woodland Hills.
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